So much to talk about but I cannot find the words

I need a gettaway car

I miss Cleveland

Two in a Day... a rare treat

Two blogs written in one day. I haven't done this in years... Tim is at the house trying to finish cleaning it up and all of that so we can get it ready for whatever we plan to do with it. So since he isn't here, and the baby is asleep... I figured I would write. Maybe try to figure a few things out. I have so many different emotions flowing through me right now and I am having a hard time pinpointing them. Perhaps until things change I am just going to have to deal with feeling this way. I am feeling very unsettled with having Seth at such an unstable time in our lives right now... especially since just alittle over a month ago we felt the most stable we had been ever. Just a drastic change of life at the worst possible time. I am really hating that in my life, when things go bad it seems that EVERYTHING goes bad. Its just one issue after the other. I do understand that good can and probably will come out of all of this... and by the time the boys are at an age where they will remember much, this will all be way behind us and life could be drastically different for the better. I still just hate feeling unsettled... I am use to being free spirited... but not being unsettled. Of course... being free spirited is something I haven't been able to run freely with in years... so even that is scary to me again.

Of course... maybe a good thing is Tim is searching out jobs in Cleveland...I would LOVE to live in Cleveland again! I am just very nervous about how my love for Cleveland will fit within my current life now. I'm not 20 years old anymore.... and Tim isn't exactly the artistic type. At the same time... maybe its a chance for us all to grow? Tim says that he never really pictures a future for himself, he just does whatever comes. Me, however, I have my future pictured... whether I get to live it out or not is what I am not sure of. Honestly, I have always pictured returning to Cleveland. So perhaps all of this will lead us there again? I am not sure. I just want to feel ok again. I want to feel like I can eat without feeling guilty about the fact that it cost money... I'd like to be able to want for myself once in awhile without feeling like the most selfish person ever.

Well Seth is awake and showing signs of being hungry. Since I am the one with his food attached to me, I am off to feed him! Just hoping for good news soon...

A new baby and an uncertain future

Seth Skylar Lindsay was born November 24th via c-section at 1:29pm weighing 8lbs 15oz. He is almost two weeks old now and there are many times I feel as if he has always been here. I have been sick so I haven't been able to spend time with my first son, Ethan. I feel very sad about that, but there isn't much I can do. He is an 18 month old toddler who wants to play and run and be picked up... I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than my newborn and I can barely move around let alone run and play with Ethan. I miss him very much though... I am slowly getting better and have started to be with him more often. It didn't help that my blood pressure sky rocketed a few days after having Seth. I ended up very sick and was put on blood pressure meds. Like I said.... slowly getting better now.

Everything is so overwhelming right now and I am trying to not let it, but it isn't easy. Tim and I have no idea what our future will be. No idea where we will live next... no idea when he will get another job... or where for that matter. He does have an interview at Buckle on Monday, but that is far from a career. Its only to bring in some money. We will probably lose one of our cars... we just don't have the money to pay for two cars... both with over $300 in payments. We still have no leads at all with renting out our house. We have about 10 days until we will officially be totally late on our house payment. We owe utilities and everything... it is just overwhelming. Its scary too. I think we would probably just ditch everything and accept the consequences if we didn't get alot of help from my family to help with getting things like a new hvac system. I don't want to seem like we are ungreatful for the financial help we received before we got our money in order. We worked very hard to get to a place where things were going well for us... and out of no where it was taken away. That really angers me... But anyway. This situation is one we would have never predicted in a million years. We can't help the situation we are in. I feel like we have tried all we could to make things right and they aren't working. I don't want to have to worry about money right now when I have two little ones who needs thier mommy and daddy to be happy and stress free for them. We've tried to be responsible... we are trying to do the right thing. The problem is we just can't control the outside circumstances. We are only 25... do we continue to feel overwhelmed about things we really don't have control over and try to fix our situation? Or do we just count our losses, take responsibility for our choices, and try to move on to a new life? So many questions... and I don't think there IS a right answer. I think either way we will be "screwed" in alot of ways. So.. with both options ending with pretty bad results in general... how do we choose what to do? Perhaps we just need to figure out which way will we end up happy and feeling healthy? I don't know... I just know alot of prayer is needed. My babies deserve a good future.